There’s this theme in contemporary romance novels where the guy you dated when you were like 20 (and were likely both idiots) was the love of your life. Then, by some miracle of the universe, 10 years later you meet and get together (finally) for happily ever after. These novels often romanticize and celebrate soul ties and it is very destructive and unrealistic. When a relationship ends, most of the time, you move on with other people. But those with soul ties don’t allow themselves to live in the new love or give it a viable chance because they haven’t gotten over their ex. They are, even after years, tormented by thoughts about people from their past, compulsively check in on them (social media has definitely made this easier and worse), rehashing memories of times with them.
A soul tie occurs when two individuals are tethered together spiritually (and as a result: emotionally, mentally, etc.) via sexual relations, close relationships, or verbal vows/commitments/agreements (FYI, promises/pledges and declarations of love and more can be spiritual in nature and endure beyond the end of a relationship if you aren’t super intentional).
Though the soul tie theory is biblical in nature, I think it needs to be acknowledged and discussed beyond the Christian community. Soul ties is the simple idea that certain actions can connect you to a person and cause you to bond in a way that is not easily broken. While these bonds can and are often healthy, as in love for a parent to child, two people in a committed relationship, friends who love and support each other; these connections can also be as toxic and unhealthy as people often are.
Though soul ties are traditionally connected to sex, because you are giving away (when consensual, otherwise it has taken) a part of yourself in an intimate act that makes you vulnerable to such a connection, they can also be connected to other emotional triggers like trauma, abuse, etc. A few friends of mine are working as mental health professionals and counselors (some in the faith space) and a few have chatted with me about soul ties. I’ve heard of individuals having to break soul ties from abusers, parents that were codependent, ex-loves even after they were happily married. I went through a prayer and spiritual training recently where at the end everyone went through exercises to break soul ties, I had to break soul ties (as well as verbal curses that I accepted and internalized) with my mother (who is deeply codependent and was very verbally abusive when I was young). It was a freeing experience to say the least.
This idea that on a deeper more spiritual level parents, children, friends, lovers, and even abusers can bind themselves so deeply into us as to hinder our ability to grow, love, and heal for years to come is incredibly scary and almost unbelievable, but most of us know at least one person partially trapped in the past or present because of someone. Just getting over it is not as simple or possible without doing that deeper emotional and spiritual work. Because of my deeper understand of soul ties, how our bodies keep trauma (a bad break up can be incredibly traumatic), I find myself unable to fully enjoy a book about past loves told with rose colored glasses and wrought with improbable reunited happy endings.
Post Scriptum
I wanted to recommend a book on soul ties, but much of the literature I’ve found on topic was heavily Christian and evangelical and I figured they would scare the crap out of non-Christians and Christians uncomfortable/unfamiliar with the heavily spiritual and assumptive framing. I really wish one of my awesome friends would just write a book that captures all of the great things they taught me over coffee or while sitting on my couch after coming over for dinner. If I find a book, I’ll share. But if you do think you are suffering from a destructive soul tie, consider seeing a therapist or going to a church with a well supported spiritual development department and signing up for sessions (my church has a pretty impressive one).
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