Brock Turner is the Stanford athlete who was caught rapping an unconscious girl and was found guilty by unanimous decision, but received only a 6 month sentence because the judge thought it would do unnecessary harm to his future. (See petition here to have this biased judge removed) In the wake of the verdict and outrage, I think it is a perfect time to consider and construct a thoughtful conversation with our children (no matter the gender) about consent.
My husband and I have had our son’s consent talk ready. He’s only 4, so we believe we have some time before needing to have the talk, but I expect it to go something like this:
“Homie, if it’s not yes, it’s no. If it is yes, it still maybe no. If the person can’t say yes/no, it’s always no. This is still true even if she’s your wife, it seems complicated but it’s not. Default to no unless its a hell yes also knows as enthusiastic consent.
I don’t care if she’s the Mother Teresa type or she has a (insert current term for a girl whose reputation is the opposite of Virgin Mary status and cringe while saying it while threatening to disown him if he uses such language to describe any person because I just used it to show how serious and woke I am and to make him uncomfortable).
If you dare hurt another person’s child sexually, I’m turning you in myself!
If you see a person being assaulted and you aren’t trying to help prevent it, whether it is just calling the authorities (you can’t always intervene without risking self harm so asses the situation) or saying something to discourage the act, you are complicit.
Don’t break my heart by falling into herd mentality.
(Insert additional heavy guilt language here with a tear and a horrid story I’ve read and then send child into world with heavy prayers)
Remember: I will turn you in myself, don’t expect to see me at the courtroom pleading your innocence if you dare frolic in evils of rape culture.”
Even if he cringes and outwardly dismisses me, I know I would have planted the seeds, that’s all you can do as a parent.
Keep in mind that my daughter will be involved in this conversation as well so she never misunderstands her own rights to say no or the difference between non-response, no and enthusiastic consent.
Please note that this consent talk is different from the existing and ongoing consent talk we have with our children about not having the right to touch people and people not having the right to touch them. Affirming our children’s right not to hug people when the they don’t feel like it because forcing our children to hug even Grandma (as innocent as it may seem) has far reaching negative implications. Though I am a huge believer in abstinence, my husband and I plan to have full spectrum sex talks with our children while teaching them the complexity and gravity of entering into a sexual relationship of any kind. We want to equip our children to make healthy decision and help avoid them making decisions based on misinformation being spread amongst their peer groups.
What did you say?