Last year my marital problems were at its height. I really disliked my husband, the conversations he would try to have with me. The way he showed me affection. His expectations of me. I felt like nothing I did was enough and that he didn’t “GET” me.
My husband was hyper focused on the not so great parts of our marriage and said, on more than one occasion, that this wasn’t what marriage should be. Complained that there wasn’t enough intimacy, quality time, or communication.
Though I do believe my husband was choosing to view our marriage through a hyper focused ocular of doom and gloom. I was also being dismissive. I was tired. I was playing a blame game and I didn’t want to respect his views or compromise. I didn’t want to acknowledge my part in our marital conflicts.
I finally agreed to marriage counseling and that sucked on multiple levels (see this and this post for details).
After taking a few days away and spending time in community with women who poured knowledge, common sense and love into my life and inadvertently my marriage, when I returned home, I was in the right mindset to help (not hinder) things getting back on track. Here is some of what I did.
Focus on the Positive
Adopt the glass half full worldview. My husband and I both became glass half empty folks. We loved each other without appreciating each other and I would often find myself looking at my husband and making a mental list of things about him that annoyed me. Maybe he forgot to take out the trash. Maybe he seemed too needy after I had an arduous workday. Maybe he simply walked in a room when I was trying to have alone time.
A major shift in our marriage happened when I, and then subsequently we, pondered the lovely things. Instead of complaining about what he fed the kids for dinner, I appreciated him for his valiant dinner efforts, even if it did not live up to my food pyramid standards.
This focus on the good, the things I really like about him, changed the atmosphere in our marriage and there was a dramatic reduction in the frequency and intensity of our disagreements.
Build Bridges Not Walls
Use your words to build bridges not walls. There was this great communication book I read in my Master’s counseling class about the power of genuine communication to build authentic connection and heal. Most of my communication was incomplete or passive aggressive. There was an ocean of misunderstanding separating us and we kept drifting apart. We had to relearn how to speak to each other, how to use more details and less hurtful speech. We had to let each other in with our words. I worked to understand and respect my husband’s needs and preferences and be more considerate, we started to meet each other half way and over time, it became second nature.
Say Yes to Intimacy
Stop withholding yourself. Allow yourself to be kissed. Open your mind to love and love making or just making out. Let him in and see where it goes.
What did you say?